


SUNFLOWER

by kaileidohscope



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Hopeful Ending, Light Angst, M/M, Romance, very angsty baekyeol in the background
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-10
Updated: 2020-03-10
Packaged: 2020-10-11 15:37:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20548553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaileidohscope/pseuds/kaileidohscope
Summary: Jongin's eyes were still as captivating as ever, filled with warmth and a plethora of emotion. Kyungsoo likes them better now, as they crinkle with laughter like little crescent moons. They're a lot more beautiful like that, better than the last time he saw them - filled with tears and so much hurt. Anger. Something close to hate.





	SUNFLOWER

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Everlasting #78  
Warnings: mentioned past alcohol/drug abuse  
Author’s note: Hello everyone! First I'd like to give a huge to thanks to the lovely mods of this fest and their unbelievable patience. They're really the best, and I wish them the BEST of luck with the rest of this round, and any future rounds they may decide to run. Now, for this fic - I hope you all enjoy, and I'm very thankful for those who read it! I worked my ass off on this, and I came out semi-satisfied with the result, so I hope you all find it at least somewhat nice. NOTE: There's been some minor adjustments to the lyrics of 24/7 and before anyone says anything - it's intentional, and I'm not stupid. Just figured I'd mention that first and foremost! Also this is unbetaed, so I deeply apologize for any awkward typos or errors. <3

Kyungsoo felt the cool beads of condensation drip over his fingers as he adjusted the beer bottle in his hand. It was completely full; he hadn't drank any. Alcohol held onto a lot of old memories for him - a lot of memories he didn't want to remember. He shifted the bottle into his opposite hand, wiping his wet palm off along the side of his slacks. He placed the untouched drink on an empty table nearby. ** **  
** **

“Ease up, have fun,” Chanyeol had told him as he handed him the drink an hour ago. “When was the last time you had a drink, anyway? Just one won't hurt.” ** **  
** **

Just one didn't sound like a lot to others. Just one sounded like too many for Kyungsoo. Too many for a recovering alcoholic. There hasn't been  _ just one _ for Kyungsoo in four years. Just one wasn't a limit he could stick to in his younger days. Just one could very easily take down everything he's spent the last two years building.  _ Just one _ didn't seem worth it if he were to be honest. This wasn't a day he needed to ruin, even if Chanyeol were the one to offer it to him. ** **  
** **

He lingered around the snack table as other guests gradually filed into the expensive venue Chanyeol had rented for the night. He was one of the first to arrive being his overly punctual self. He had to set up his equipment and such anyway, so he was kept busy for the first hour and a half. When Chanyeol requested he perform at his wedding, he was a little taken aback at first but agreed nevertheless. He hadn't held a mic to his lips in years - much less stood on a stage for tens of onlookers to watch him. ** **  
** **

There was a slightly anxious tremor in his fingers, so he busied himself with trying the cheese cubes and seasoned crackers instead of counting all the strangers he'd be performing in front of near the end of the evening. He was set to perform at the after party, so he still had quite a while to steel his nerves.  _ No need to get nervous already _ , he thought, taking too much time chewing a hard cheddar cube. He moved over to the fruit platter, popping a loose grape in his mouth to nullify the overpowering taste of cheddar. ** **  
** **

He loved music; he loved writing songs and performing. It had been his one and only dream ever since was a child - to sing his heart out in front of millions and compose award winning albums. He and Chanyeol used to be in a band, if that's what you could call it. They worked on basic beats in the basement of Chanyeol's parent's house and wrote a few choppy lyrics to match the rhythms they'd come up with. They made a few good ones, but the majority would be unbearable to listen to these days. ** **  
** **

They were called  _ The Sunflowers _ on the occasion they got a gig, but Kyungsoo couldn't really take credit for the name. Not really. Someone else had inspired it for them, someone truthfully better suited for the name - someone Kyungsoo hadn't seen in more years than he can count on one hand. ** **  
** **

Thinking of sunflowers, one thinks of honey gold and sunshine. Warm breezes and the sweet smell of spring. Brown eyes, soft greens, and sunkissed skin. ** **  
** **

Kim Jongin was the walking embodiment of a sunflower. Kyungsoo was a lot more like a weed in comparison. ** **  
** **

Jongin was his ex-love of sorts. A love he had for… a lot of years, all through high school and university. He was often there when Kyungsoo and Chanyeol were crowded around a laptop, busy testing sounds and recording sound bites. He'd splay out on the foam bed on the concrete floor and read books with his shoes kicked off and socks askew. He would never call himself apart of the band, but he had a fair hand in writing a lot of the lyrics Kyungsoo used. ** **  
** **

Whenever the older was stumped on words, Jongin would lean his chin against his shoulder and read over the chopped up sentences he managed to pull out of his brain. With a mumble, velvet lines of poetry would pour out of him after a mere minute or two of pondering. More than once, he filled in all the gaps and spaces for Kyungsoo. He had a way with words, a deep understanding that Kyungsoo had always envied. ** **  
** **

_ “You should come up and sing it with me,” _ Kyungsoo said once while they were loading up his dad's truck with their sound equipment. They had a gig that night.  _ “You wrote most of it, after all.” _ ** **  
** **

_ “No way!” _ Jongin had laughed dismissively like he always did, lightly shaking his head as he wound up chords. He had been wearing a yellow hoodie that day with ripped black jeans and scuffed up sneakers. The autumn breeze was cold as it carried the leaves in a twirling ballet, painting the tips of their noses a soft cherry, but - looking at Jongin with that bashful smile of his, Kyungsoo had felt nothing but warm. ** **  
** **

Jongin was never one for the spotlight; he never liked to be on stage or be the center of attention. He preferred staring up at Kyungsoo from the front row. His eyes aglow with admiration and lips pulled into the proudest of smiles, as he quietly sang along under his breath and clapped to the beat. Kyungsoo remembered looking down at the front row more often than not, and giving hidden smiles and a warm gaze to a secret someone among the crowd. That was how they shared a duet. Quiet and unobtrusive, for only the two of them to know. ** **  
** **

They were so pure once upon a time. Those days didn't last through college. ** **  
** **

Kyungsoo shifted his attention away from the buffet, and glanced tentatively around the swarm of unfamiliar faces in search of one in particular. He wondered if Jongin would be there tonight. Wondered if, perhaps, he had already arrived, and Kyungsoo had just missed him walking in. He wondered… ** **  
** **

He pushed a soft sigh from his chest, turning back towards the snacks. He hadn't tried the crackers yet. He ought to find himself something to drink -- surely there was at least one non-alcoholic beverage available. He should also properly greet Chanyeol's mother for it'd been about a decade since he'd last seen the fiery little lady. ** **  
** **

She was always fussing over him when he and Chanyeol were younger. She was always one to worry for his weight and wellbeing; cooked him extra servings and poured him juice. He'd laugh when Chanyeol complained that she treated Kyungsoo better and he  _ "ought to get some extra servings and juice too.”  _ Mrs. Park would just roll her eyes and give him another pancake. He hoped she had been doing well. He’d missed her like he missed his own mother. ** **  
** **

He found a cooler of water bottles hidden off to the side next a stack of extra chairs, and unobtrusively grabbed one for himself. ** **  
** **

Mrs. Park was slightly more aged than he remembered, but she still held an astounding amount of beauty and grace. Her smile was motherly and kind as she beckoned him in for a long overdo hug, cooing softly. ** **  
** **

“Look at you, my boy, you've grown so big! Ah, so handsome and cute!” She cupped his cheeks as if he were a child as he chuckled bashfully. ** **  
** **

“Thank you,” he bowed his head, slightly flustered. He was never good at receiving compliments, and he still wasn't. “I've missed you, Mrs. Park.” ** **  
** **

“Oh I've missed you, too, darling. I'm so happy to see you doing well these days.” Her smile was meaningful and gentle as she cradled his hand in both of her own, holding it tight. “I'm very proud of you, dear.” ** **  
** **

Kyungsoo smiled ruefully, bowing his head in both gratitude, and to hide from his sense of shame. Thinking of the things she must've heard about him, how deep of a hole he had dug himself into, with drugs and alcohol. It brought forth only shame. ** **  
** **

But he was better now, he reminded himself with a sigh. And Mrs. Park knew that. She was proud of him. He leant forward for another embrace, yearning for the comfort only a mother could offer, then bid her farewell and returned to his snack table lingering. At least he had some water this time around.

** **

Jongin didn't look a day older than the last time Kyungsoo laid eyes on him. His skin still resonated a dewy glow like it always had, only marred by the faint remnants of decade old acne scarring and life-long formed smile lines. If Kyungsoo didn't know any better, he wouldn’t have guessed the man to be any older than twenty-two. Jongin had really been into skin care when they were younger; clearly it really did pay off in the long run. Kyungsoo kind of wished he'd listened to those few times Jongin tried nagging him into wearing a sheet mask. ** **  
** **

His eyes were still as captivating as ever, filled with warmth and a plethora of emotion. Kyungsoo likes them better now, as they crinkle with laughter like little crescent moons. They're a lot more beautiful like that, better than the last time he saw them - filled with tears and so much hurt. Anger. Something close to hate. ** **  
** **

Kyungsoo had almost forgotten how soft they could be, until that same gaze caught sight of his awkward self. Kyungsoo immediately looked away, fiddling with his suit tie in embarrassment as he turned towards the snack table. Maybe if he pretended to be preoccupied, Jongin wouldn't realize he'd been staring all this time. ** **  
** **

Cheese cube, cheese cube, grape, and a sideways glance found Jongin entering his peripheral. There was a fluttering in his guts, but he couldn't tell if it was excitement or anxiety. ** **  
** **

“Kyungsoo.” ** **  
** **

Kyungsoo turned to Jongin with wide eyes and feigned surprise, as if he wasn't aware the man would be attending and hadn't watched him arrive. ** **  
** **

“Jongin. Long time, no see.” He smiled, mentally stuttering as he offered an awkward palm in greeting. ** **  
** **

Jongin chuckled lightly at his outstretched hand, though grasped it in a friendly, if only stiff, shake despite the absurdity of it. “Wardrobe is still very colorful, I see.” He said with imancable sarcasm, gesturing to Kyungsoo’s black ensemble. ** **  
** **

“Yeah,” Kyungsoo chuckled along, subconsciously brushing a hand down the front of his tux. He wore nothing but black- from his ironed dress shirt to his polished shoes, not a lick of color broke his monochrome attire. Black as charcoal. ** **  
** **

Silence lolled between them, Jongin wearing a small smile as he glanced over the snack bar and gestured towards the fruit tray Kyungsoo had made a generous dent in. "Enjoying the food?" ** **  
** **

Kyungsoo felt a wave of warmth down his neck, coughing out a laugh. "Yeah. I've been here for a while, so… The dinner service might not have to worry about me." ** **  
** **

Jongin joined in his quiet laughter, fidgeting with his white wine. Kyungsoo swallowed subsciously as he watched the bubbling liquid pirouetting around the tall glass, licking up the sides but never dripping over. A perfect dance by a skilled, perfect hand grasped around the stem. Jongin lifted the glass to his mouth for a small sip, and Kyungsoo's eyes lingered on the leftover moisture on his lips before it was wiped away. ** **  
** **

"How have you been?" ** **  
** **

Kyungsoo blinked his gaze up to Jongin's stare, feeling a deep sigh swell in his chest as he conjured up an answer. Jongin's stare was steady, heavy with the weight of deep-seated concern. ** **  
** **

It brought Kyungsoo back to college, when his nights were wild and the days blurred. When Jongin kept sighing every time they spoke, and Kyungsoo drank tequila instead of water and ate marijuana brownies before class. ** **  
** **

"Good," he said, nodding his head emphatically. He wanted to announce his sobriety, tell Jongin he's changed, how he's grown out of his reckless rebellion and hasn't touched anything illegal in years - but all the words he thought to say sounded too much like a narcissist gloating about battle scars. ** **  
** **

Kyungsoo wasn't proud of his battles. Least of all - the scars they left behind. Heroin tracks were never beautiful no matter which way you tried to paint them. No matter how clean his veins were, no matter how many years have passed, Kyungsoo still felt nothing but dirty. He subconsciously pulled at his sleeves, wanting to pull the fabric down over his hands out of anxious habit, but his suit was too stiff, not quite long enough. ** **  
** **

"Good." Jongin parroted, though his tone fell softer in the air. If he noticed Kyungsoo's awkward fidgeting, he made no indication of it. He simply smiled that ever gentle smile of his and accepted Kyungsoo's superficial reply for what it was. ** **  
** **

The book of their story was very thick, and this was certainly no place to delve into chapters long ended. But a little smalltalk never hurt anyone. ** **  
** **

"What are you up to these days?" Kyungsoo offered after they mumbled a few lighthearted passing comments about the sweetness of the strawberries in the dish set in front of them. ** **  
** **

"Well," Jongin's chest inflated with a deep breath, lips curling up to reveal tired fondness as he fondled the stem of a cherry, "I'm actually a teacher's assistant at Inbeok Academy at the moment. Until I become a teacher, myself, at least. I'm helping with the toddlers and adolescents for now." ** **  
** **

Kyungsoo smiled and hummed along with genuine interest. Jongin had always been very passionate about teaching and ballet, so it seemed almost too perfect for him to be working at Inbeok Academy - one of the country's leading ballet studios. It suited him well. Jongin loved kids. ** **  
** **

"That's really great, Jongin." Kyungsoo said. His gaze was gentle and proud; Jongin grinned bashfully beneath it, glancing down at the cherry between his fingers. ** **  
** **

"Thank you, Kyungsoo." ** **  
** **

The sound of that warm voice speaking his name, his slight nasally tone, his mumbled annunciation. Kyungsoo felt a wave of nostalgia, a flutter of butterflies and an onslaught of bittersweet memories. ** **  
** **

Late nights tucked in bed. Whispered words, gentle sighs. Mistletoe and Christmas lights. New Year's fireworks and Halloween masks. Smiles, laughter. Annoyance, exasperation. Withheld tears, anger. Heartbreak. So many memories. So many times his name was called- in a variety of emotions, but all with that same,  _ soft _ voice. ** **  
** **

"You're welcome." ** **  
** **

Their conversation lulled. Jongin bit the cherry between his teeth and popped the stem off, giving a private smile to the floor as he chewed. The water bottle crinkled silently in Kyungsoo's hand as he surveyed the crowd of mingling bride and groom relatives. Few faces he recognized, few things to keep his mind preoccupied.  ** **  
** **

He couldn't help but be curious… Curious about the woman continuously throwing glances Jongin's way. He couldn't help but be curious of their relationship status, ever since the moment he noticed her hand perched in the bend of his elbow when they arrived. ** **  
** **

"She's very beautiful," he casually began, looking past Jongin's shoulder to where the woman was waiting at a dining table. His eyes jumped to Jongin's hand as he brought his wine up for a drink. His left hand. No ring- but it's not like he intentionally noticed this. "She's your...?" ** **  
** **

Jongin raised his brows in question before glancing back at the woman, a soft chuckle bubbling from his chest. " _ Ah _ , that's Nayeon," he introduced, facing forwards again, "She's a friend of mine." ** **  
** **

"A friend, huh?" Kyungsoo hoped the suggestive brow he raised was convincing enough- didn't give way to any of the muddled emotions hidden beneath his cool exterior. ** **  
** **

Jongin cocked his own brow, countering with a knowing smile, " _ Yep _ . A good buddy. Her  _ girlfriend _ is Chanyeol's cousin." ** **  
** **

Kyungsoo chuckled, slightly embarrassed as his imperceptible tension eased up, " _ Oh _ ." But… "Well it looks like she's keeping an awfully close eye on you." ** **  
** **

"We met at uni, so… I guess you could say she was there for me through a lot of rough patches." Jongin diverted his eyes towards his wine, and Kyungsoo got the gist. ** **  
** **

" _ Ah,"  _ he chuckled wryly, viewing Nayeon's glances in a new light now as he put the pieces together, "Now I see why she's been throwing invisible knives at me this whole time. I guess I deserve that." ** **  
** **

Jongin snickered under his breath, finding interest in the cheese platter as Kyungsoo's rueful smile fell. He deserved a lot more than invisible knives; that goes without saying. ** **  
** **

"I don't remember ever meeting her." Kyungsoo said offhandedly, watching Jongin carefully as he gathered a small plate of cheese and crackers. ** **  
** **

"You were never around long enough to be introduced." Jongin flatly pointed out, tossing Kyungsoo a jesting glance and a glum smile.  ** **  
** **

Kyungsoo felt the faint, subtle pull of remorse in his stomach as he remembered those times. ** **  
** **

They were dorm roommates. Jongin had been so excited-  _ what luck _ to be paired with not only his boyfriend but his best friend. He talked about them cooking for each other, showering together, sharing clothes, being study buddies. He was so excited. ** **  
** **

Instead, what he got was a lot of alone time. Kyungsoo made new friends while at university- not the  _ best _ type of friends to hang around with. He got invited to frat boy parties and he went to every one of them. He got introduced to marijuana and smoked more than recommended. He wrote songs in the middle of the night while strung out on the lingering side effects of LSD. He disappeared for days and showed up unexpectedly, always to a worried and angry Jongin. He drank. He drank so much. He drank enough to kill himself. ** **  
** **

And they'd argue. Often. Every time Kyungsoo missed or skipped a class. But every night without fail, Jongin would ask him to stay home with him. ** **  
** **

_ "Can you stay here tonight? Please? I don't like sleeping by myself. It's cold." _ ** **  
** **

Kyungsoo's promises of  _ I'll be back around eleven _ always fell through. Jongin stayed up well into the early hours waiting for him. Many times Kyungsoo came back to an empty dorm room and two perfectly made beds the following afternoon. Other times, he'd stumble home at three in the morning and find Jongin curled around a book, sound asleep, and he'd wake him with vodka-scented kisses and feverish hands without consideration for the younger's early morning classes. ** **  
** **

Jongin never pushed him off, never got angry. He welcomed Kyungsoo with drowsy mumbles and gentle kisses, pulling off his clothes with reciprocated, though sleepy, passion. ** **  
** **

He must have been so tired. And yet he still wanted to, because it was Kyungsoo. And he loved Kyungsoo. Vodka kisses and sloppiness included. He never got upset about Kyungsoo's occasional whiskey dick- the nights he drank more than his weight in booze and was too out of it to follow through with anything. Despite his interrupted rest, Jongin always just sighed and tucked Kyungsoo into bed with a bowl and a glass of water, then took the separate bed. ** **  
** **

Jongin was too good to him. Too kind. ** **  
** **

Kyungsoo's face contorted with shame, eyes trained on Jongin's polished shoes as he recounted those nights in embarrassment. ** **  
** **

"Listen... Jongin, I'm--" ** **  
** **

The shrill sound a knife tapping against a wine glass interrupted him. They both looked to find one of Chanyeol's relatives stood on a chair, cat-like and short with his crinkly eye-smile. "If everyone will please make their way outside - the ceremony will be starting soon!" ** **  
** **

Jongin turned to him with excitement, smiling as if their previous conversation was nothing heavier than passing smalltalk about the weather - and Kyungsoo felt some slight relief in it. ** **  
** **

They were there for their best friend's wedding - not for stitching up old scars, he reminded himself. ** **  
** **

"Sit with me?" Jongin beckoned, turning slightly towards the backdoor. His eyes were - dare Kyungsoo think -  _ hopeful _ , and the elder automatically smiled and nodded his head. ** **  
** **

"Okay."

** **

-

** **

Suji looked very beautiful in her dress of smooth silk and lace, gliding weightlessly down the aisle with a bouquet of blossoms in her hands. Her lips were painted cherry and her hair was intricately pinned beneath her long, flowing headpiece. She was absolutely stunning, nearly flawless as she stole the whole audience's attention, but Kyungsoo's gaze drifted elsewhere. ** **  
** **

To the man sitting to his right, closest to the aisle. Jongin kept his hands neatly folded in his lap, clasped atop his crossed legs. His jawline was so pronounced from that angle, Kyungsoo couldn't keep his eyes from admiring as Jongin turned his head towards the bride as she passed them. ** **  
** **

The glow of the string lights above them painted everything in a hue of white gold. His gaze traveled along the soft dip of Jongin's nose to the purse of his lips, pulled up into a small smile as the younger watched Suji take Chanyeol's side. Kyungsoo cut his stare after several moments, and faced forward to watch the bridesmaids and groomsmen lined up at either side of the altar. There was no familiarity at first until he noticed a short man with downturned, almond eyes, and upturned, puppy-like lips. ** **  
** **

He remembered this man, vaguely. His name was Baekhyun. He and Chanyeol were close friends- probably best friends. Chanyeol had spoken about him often during their jam sessions; about how nice his voice was and how funny his jokes were. He only ever had nice things to say, always fond. ** **  
** **

Kyungsoo also remembered the secret notes left in lockers, and the extended stares from across the lunch table. He remembered the smile Baekhyun adorned, soft and gentle, when Chanyeol goofed around a little during their lectures, and he wondered if Chanyeol ever figured it out—if Baekhyun ever told him—after he and Suji started dating second semester, why the mysterious box of chocolates Chanyeol would get every year for Valentine’s day would still be there on his doorstep, but Baekhyun would stop asking for rides home on his scooter after class. ** **  
** **

Judging by his prominent presence at the ceremony, and the weak, sullen smile Baekhyun forced himself to wear, Kyungsoo had guessed he hadn't. The pit of Kyungsoo's stomach ached sympathetically, regarding the situation with pity. To fall in love with your best friend, your straight friend- it's a love bound with pain. A childish fairytale with no happy ending. ** **  
** **

Kyungsoo looked at Chanyeol's shining smile, his happy tears, so full of love, and pitied the heart he obliviously stood on. Pitied the empty chest of the man standing just beside the groom.

** **

-

** **

Kyungsoo was never much of a dancer, but he'd stand there and watch as everyone else let loose and acted ridiculous. Baekhyun was nearly making a scene with his purposely overenthusiastic moves and dramatic poses, but at least it was entertaining. Chanyeol was really getting a kick out of it. ** **  
** **

Kyungsoo was the only sober adult; it basically went without saying - even Jongin was acting a bit silly. He and Chanyeol- and Baekhyun, were all goofing around and laughing too loud under the heavy house music Chanyeol had put over the speakers, and Kyungsoo watched unobtrusively from the sidelines and smiled to himself. God forbid they notice him. ** **  
** **

Just like clockwork, Jongin's eyes drifted around the crowd of onlookers before they found their target - Kyungsoo, and a bright cheeky grin spread across his face immediately. Baekhyun instantly took notice and whirled around in his direction - and it was all over for Kyungsoo. They were on him quicker than Kyungsoo could resist, and before he knew it, he was in the middle of the floor with them. Crowded with dancing bodies, getting bumped and pressed too close into Jongin's personal space. Chanyeol slung an arm over his shoulder, blowing beer breath into his face as he yelled something unintelligible too close to his ear. ** **  
** **

Baekhyun was busy with Jongin, trying to copy his smooth dancing and minimally succeeding in his drunken state. ** **  
** **

Jongin's body still moved like lightning and silk, and it was a battle and half for Kyungsoo to pretend he didn't notice. He'd lost his dress coat somewhere during dinner, and his tie was loosened from its neat knot. He was still toned, his lean muscle visible beneath the thin material of his button-up. ** **  
** **

Baekhyun broke out in the robot and Chanyeol followed suit without a pause. Watching them, it was hard for Kyungsoo to believe they were both in their early thirties. They still acted like middle schoolers. ** **  
** **

Jongin was still dancing beside him, and Kyungsoo looked sideways at him. Jongin caught him rather easily - he was never really that subtle - and he was met with a playful smile as Jongin stepped closer and purposely bumped their shoulders in a coaxing shimmy. ** **  
** **

Kyungsoo was knocked off-kilter only slightly, and he steadied himself with a hand on Jongin's arm and laughed and shook his head despite the younger's persuading grin and persistent nudging. He gave in a little, offered a halfhearted little sway and bounce, but that was all he'd give. ** **  
** **

Jongin grinned victoriously with an overdramatic whoop as he danced circles around Kyungsoo, bumping him all directions until all he could do was laugh and roll his eyes. ** **  
** **

He leaned backwards when Jongin draped his arms over his shoulders from behind, resting against a broad chest with only laughter and no over-thinking. It felt natural, Jongin arms around him, soft laughter in his ear. It felt like old times. ** **  
** **

The music lulled abruptly, followed by a crescendo of loud talking as the crowd paused to look around. Baekhyun yelled dramatically when a slow track began, and a microphone crackled on. ** **  
** **

"It's time for our lovely bride and groom to share their first dance as newlyweds! Come on up here lovebirds." Chanyeol's cousin, Jongdae, joyously announced. Everyone cooed and giggled and moved aside. Chanyeol smiled bashfully and turned towards his bride, his wife, with outstretched hands. ** **  
** **

Jongin's arms felt heavy around Kyungsoo's shoulders, suddenly out of place. Too intimate accompanied by the romantic classical track. He felt Jongin shift behind him before the weight fell away, and he glanced sideways to find Jongin with his hands in his pockets. Eyes down, unreadable smile on his face. A sullen, off putting smile. Kyungsoo cleared his throat, huffing out an awkward chuckle as he subconsciously fidgeted with his sleeves. ** **  
** **

They stood with a large space between, watching Chanyeol and Suji sway with love in their eyes, shy smiles, and share small kisses. Kyungsoo kept glancing to his right, noting the details of Jongin's smooth leather shoes, but never bringing himself to look up.

** **

-

** **

Jongin wasn't an obnoxious drunk, but he was quiet and he was giggly, and he knew when to stop before having too much. He was responsible enough to get himself water, and he sat quietly at his table with Nayeon and her girlfriend and took small bites of expensive cake. He kept smiling to himself, giggling softly as Baekhyun stood on stage and rattled off jokes. ** **  
** **

He didn't get sloppy, he didn't make a fool of himself, and he didn't have more than four glasses. We had just enough to get himself tipsy and loosened up, and then he was done. He knew his limits, and he didn't battle them. ** **  
** **

Kyungsoo both envied and admired him. And he couldn't help noticing Jongin was very cute when inebriated. With his flushed cheeks and starry eyes, perpetually smiling at anything, he looked nothing but shy and happy. ** **  
** **

They weren't able to sit together due to reservation and seating arrangements, but Kyungsoo was still close by. Close enough to steal more than enough glances and notice all the glances Jongin was stealing towards him, as well. They'd exchange amused smiles every once in a while, Jongin waving his hand excitedly and Kyungsoo nodding along to the other's wine-induced enthusiasm. ** **  
** **

It was simple. It was nice. And then Kyungsoo was called up on stage for his performance, and immediately he felt his hands begin to tremble. He looked wide-eyed at a grinning, drunk Chanyeol, and took a moment to ignore the entire room's attention before he stood and slowly made his way to the stage. ** **  
** **

The stage lights were bright as he awkwardly moved his set into place, bringing his old mic stand to the center along with an adjustable stool. Chanyeol was still entertaining the audience; he and Baekhyun were still in the middle of some back-and-forth banter despite Baekhyun having already returned to his table. ** **  
** **

"That bit about those DVDs wasn't true, he's just trying to embarrass me on my wedding! I'd never buy those, Suji." ** **  
** **

"Is too! He's lying Suji, he was too shy to go in, so he made me buy them for him! And  _ wow _ if you knew the things he was into, you wouldn't be wearing that ring right now--" ** **  
** **

"Hey hey hey! My parents are here!" ** **  
** **

"You act like they're innocent! How do you think  _ you _ got here, huh? By accident, I'm sure!" ** **  
** **

"You little--" ** **  
** **

The crowd was enjoying the scene; Chanyeol's younger cousin even joined in: "I'm sure she already  _ knows _ what he's into!" Which made everyone laugh some more; Baekhyun laughed too, only quieter- more of a snicker, and sat back in his seat with that off smile that no one seemed to notice. Defeated. In more ways than comically. He played it off well, egging on a few more sarcastic comments before falling quiet.  ** **  
** **

Kyungsoo adjusted his mic stand, lowering it a bit for when he sat on the stool. Chanyeol had his guitar off to the side, ready to grab. They rehearsed a few of their old gig classics over the past week; he and Chanyeol would perform them for the first half of the performance, then Kyungsoo would have a song or two to sing on his own. ** **  
** **

Chanyeol was going through  _ The Sunflower _ 's brief history, explaining their basement start and promising potential. He glossed over the messy college days, painting it a simple picture of too little time and misplaced opportunities. He didn't bring up Kyungsoo being their downfall, he didn't mention him throwing up on stage or blacking out in alley ways. He spared the crowd of those unpleasant details, and left it rosy. ** **  
** **

He never mentioned Jongin's name. Jongin never wanted the spotlight; he didn't cast it on him. But as they started up their first song, he couldn't help remembering how he and Jongin had written it together. Kyungsoo had thought of a smooth bridge and a catchy chorus, while Jongin painted the picture with profound verses and words of poetry. Chanyeol created the rhythm, the soft flow, and by 3:30AM they had created a song.  _ Don't Go _ . ** **  
** **

The second one was an upbeat cover, a well known song that nearly everyone in the audience knew to some extent due to its heavy radio presence. Their third song was another original - one they all three had a hand in. ** **  
** **

The crowd clapped along, some sang the words they knew, and it took Kyungsoo back. His hands were still a little shaky, but the tremble in his voice had steadied out. He'd missed this, being on stage. He had missed singing, performing. He had missed gazing out into the crowd and finding that familiar face, those warm eyes and that fond smile singing along. ** **  
** **

Jongin still knew all the words. ** **  
** **

The songs breezed by with charming memories and a couple crowd favorites. It was like a blur, a fog of euphoria and bliss. Kyungsoo barely realized they'd played through their whole set before Chanyeol was stepping off stage and it was time for his solo. ** **  
** **

His palms felt clammy, his mind blanked, and he anxiously plucked a few uncertain chords on the guitar Chanyeol had handed to him. He couldn't remember which songs he had decided on. ** **  
** **

A G. Soul song drifted through his head, the lyrics caught on his tongue,  _ Beautiful Goodbye _ \- he looked at Jongin. He was still smiling, chattering with Nayeon before he turned expectant eyes towards Kyungsoo. ** **  
** **

His smile brightened at the meeting of their gazes and he happily waved, throwing him an encouraging thumbs up. Kyungsoo chuckled under his breath, lowering his eyes to his fingers pressing the chords. ** **  
** **

Then he thought of an old notebook paper. Crumpled, shoved away in the back of his binder. He remembered the messy words scrawled onto it's neat lines. Words he found months too late, months that ripped his heart out and dropped it at his feet. ** **  
** **

He never remembered writing those words. But he remembered completing them. The last song he and Jongin wrote together. A song written and then hidden away for only Kyungsoo to hum. ** **  
** **

His fingers found the chords subconsciously, naturally. The words flowed. The audience listened.

** **

_ Bye--after sending you off that night _

_ As expected I'm tossing and turning all night _

_ At first I wonder if something's wrong with me _

_ Why does this feel so different to me? _

_ The countless days I spent alone _

_ This air I had grown used to _

_ In one moment it dawns on me, like the light of the yellow light bulb in my room _

_ You warmed me up _

** **

The crowd bobbed along to the medium tempo, some clapping with the beat as Kyungsoo went into the chorus. Jongin was swaying obliviously, enjoying the performance with the fondest of smiles.

** **

_ I think about it twenty-four seven _

_ Even if I text you “sorry”, you won't call me _

_ I think about it twenty-four seven _

_ I can't shake this empty feeling _

_ It’s a long day _

_ I dream next to you _

_ You're all I think of twenty-four seven _

_ I'm burning up, going crazy, dying slowly _

** **

_ You're stuck in my head _

_ And ice is stuck in your heart _

_ What did you think of all day long? _

_ It's my turn to hurt _

** **

Kyungsoo couldn't look at the crowd. He kept his eyes closed, felt all the words and tasted their bittersweetness. His chest felt heavy. He thought of that notebook paper, those words. The words Jongin had written with anger, frustration. With Kyungsoo in mind. Then crumpled up and tossed away, to be found years later by the very person they condemned. ** **  
** **

He sang these words with fire, regret and contempt furrowing his brows as he focused them to himself. Giving a voice to Jongin's thoughts, letting them be heard. 

** **

_ Why are you fine all on your own, saying you're not missing out? _

_ You know everyone tells you you're too cold; _

_ thinking you're too good for everyone else _

_ You know it’s not right so you want to fix it _

_ But it’s just you not being good to me _

_ You're not cold, you're just bad to me _

** **

He thought of Jongin's bloodshot eyes, full of tears. He remembered him yelling, defeated, shoving Kyungsoo with anger after bailing him out of jail at four in the morning. He'd reached his limit. He was done. Kyungsoo was too drunk, too out of it to react.

** **

_ The love movie scenes seemed so cliche _

_ So why were you smiling at all of them? _

_ I've changed since this started _

_ And you put up with that too, didn't you? _

** **

While Jongin broke down in the middle of the sidewalk that night, Kyungsoo slumped against a wall, vomited on the ground. He never said anything. With blurry eyes, he just watched Jongin cry. Watched him walk away, and never asked him to stay. Never apologized. He wanted to apologize. He wanted to go back - do over again.

** **

_ I have nothing _

_ And now I let the tears flow _

_ I can't take a day _

_ Not even an hour _

_ I miss you so much _

** **

His voice trembled, full of thick emotion, eyes tightly closed. It was quiet for a heartbeat, the crowd in awe of his passion, then cheers and whistling erupted as he went into the final chorus. The last few notes of the song.

** **

_ I think about it twenty-four seven _

_ Even if I text you “sorry”, you won't call me _

_ I think about it twenty-four seven _

_ I can't shake this empty feeling _

_ It’s a long day _

_ I dream next to you _

_ You're all I think of twenty-four seven _

_ I'm burning up, going crazy, dying slowly _

** **

_ Twenty-four seven _

** **

The crowd whooped and applauded, having thoroughly enjoyed his performance. Some people stood, enthusiastic. Kyungsoo blinked the tears from his eyes and took a few breaths. Like magnets, his gaze zeroed in on Jongin. ** **  
** **

Jongin wasn't smiling anymore. A plethora of emotion was painted on his face. He looked shocked, overwhelmed. On the verge of tears. Kyungsoo looked down at his mic, forcing a smile as he thanked the crowd, bowed his head. Chanyeol was up on stage, loud and unaware, taking the microphone and giving Kyungsoo a few extra cheers and a rough pat on the back. ** **  
** **

" _ Wahh, _ isn't he great, everyone? I've never heard that song before, that one was new! I got goosebumps! Give it up for Doh Kyungsoo!" ** **  
** **

Kyungsoo's smile was unsteady and awkward as he stood up from the stool and gave the crowd a proper bow and more thanks, then hastily made his way off stage. As the attention shifted off of him and back to Chanyeol, Kyungsoo glanced around the tables in search of Jongin's. ** **  
** **

He watched Jongin stand and excuse himself, then usher off toward the back of the reception area, wiping quickly at his eyes. Kyungsoo felt his chest constrict, and he followed. ** **  
** **

He lost track of the younger for a moment, but found him shortly after in the front parking lot of the venue. One arm crossed over his chest, a cigarette in his hand, eyes towards the sky. ** **  
** **

Kyungsoo hesitated. He took a shuddering breath, let it out, and quietly walked over. Jongin didn't look over when he stood beside, he just took a heavy sigh for himself and lowered his starry eyes to the ground. ** **  
** **

It was quiet. Only soft chirping of crickets breaking the silence.

** **

"I didn't know you smoked." Kyungsoo softly commented. ** **  
** **

Jongin brought the cigarette to his mouth, closed his lips around it and took a deep inhale. Let the smoke out of his lungs and up towards the moon. "I'm trying to quit." Jongin mumbled. ** **  
** **

They fell into silence again. Jongin puffed his cigarette; Kyungsoo stood by the curb and kept his eyes averted. ** **  
** **

"Where did you get them?" Jongin asked several minutes later. His voice sounded hoarser, burnt. "Those lyrics. Where did you get them?" ** **  
** **

Kyungsoo swallowed the dryness in his mouth. He paused, sighed. "I found them written in one of my old binders." ** **  
** **

Jongin nodded his head, sighing as well. ** **  
** **

Kyungsoo looked at him, at his face. His lower lip, pulled between his teeth. His brows, furrowed in thought. ** **  
** **

"I'm really sorry." Kyungsoo whispered, softly. "I'm really sorry for the things I did. And how they affected you. I'm sorry for how I was. You didn't deserve any of it. I know there's nothing I can do to change it now, but. I'm still sorry." ** **  
** **

Jongin brushed a hand up through his fringe, took another drag off his cigarette. "I know that you are." He said in a cloud of smoke, just as soft, and offered Kyungsoo the weakest, reassuring smile he'd ever seen. "It's in the past. It is what it is." ** **  
** **

The moonlight painted them both silver, dulling their edges. Easing the tension. Kyungsoo felt his stomach tighten, felt the weight of everything, the possibilities strung across the line between them. ** **  
** **

"I'm still in love with you." The words tumbled free before he thought to reconsider. He needed to say them. ** **  
** **

Jongin looked at him. His warm eyes looked lost, cold. Stoic. Kyungsoo felt small. "What do you expect me to say to that?" He whispered. ** **  
** **

Kyungsoo looked at the sidewalk, rubbed his knuckles. Anxious. Quiet. "I just wanted you to know."  ** **  
** **

Jongin shook his head slowly. The bud of his cigarette bounced on the curb when he dropped it. The cherry sparked, glowing in the darkness. "I'm not just… gonna jump back in your arms. Just like that. If that's what you're expecting. It's not that simple." ** **  
** **

Kyungsoo nodded, closed his eyes. "I know. I'm not expecting that." ** **  
** **

"I spent years of my life waiting for you. And you were never there. And I don't want to wait around for a  _ maybe _ anymore." ** **  
** **

Kyungsoo stared at the glowing rosebud on the ground before Jongin stepped on it, smothering it out beneath the sole of his shoe. Putting an end to the fire, the hope to keep burning. That final spark. ** **  
** **

"I understand." Kyungsoo nodded again. His eyes were dry, but his throat ached. He was foolish to think… He was foolish to try.  ** **  
** **

"But…" Jongin continued quietly. He turned towards Kyungsoo, gazing at him until Kyungsoo met his eyes. "That doesn't mean... never. I'm not gonna stand here and tell you I forgive you. Not yet." His eyes fell to Kyungsoo's fidgeting hands. He reached between them, slow, and careful. The back of his fingers brushed the older's before they intertwined. ** **  
** **

"If you're willing to wait, and you can promise me a…  _ for sure, _ " he glanced down at their connected hands, the space between them. "I'd try." ** **  
** **

Jongin's eyes reflected the streetlights like tiny moons in his pupils. His face was still flushed from the alcohol, tie still loose and askew. Kyungsoo's gaze lowered to his mouth, his lips, breathless. He nodded. He nodded and nodded again. "Yes. Yes, I'm sure. I'm positive." ** **  
** **

He leaned forward, raised up onto the balls of his feet. Jongin's lips were rosey, glossy from his habitable nibbling. His head tilted, he felt the soft puff of Jongin's breath. Their lips never met. Jongin's fingers pressed over his lips, gently, blocking them from his own. ** **  
** **

Kyungsoo's drifting eyes reopened and he leaned back. Jongin was smiling. A soft, almost coy smile as he slowly shook his head. "Not that easy." ** **  
** **

Kyungsoo looked down with a small smile, an embarrassed chuckle. " _ Ah.  _ I see." ** **  
** **

Jongin took a couple steps back, bringing Kyungsoo's arm with him from where their hands were still entwined before he let go. He turned and continued towards the reception. Kyungsoo watched him go with a flutter of emotion, butterflies.

** **

-

** **

Rice rained down over the bride and groom as they walked to their limo, clasped hand-in-hand. Their friends and relatives tossed it above their heads, laughing, cheering, clapping. Congratulating them on their new beginning. ** **  
** **

Kyungsoo was stood on the opposite side of the venue's front sidewalk, across of Jongin, beside Baekhyun. Jongin's smile had reclaimed its spark, its gentle glow, like a flickering candle. Warm. Kyungsoo's smile was private, hidden as he admired the other. ** **  
** **

Baekhyun was to his left, clapping with the crowd but otherwise fairly silent. He was barely smiling at all by then, the alcohol having wiped away any optimism he had clung onto. Now, all that was left was reality. And reality was nothing worth smiling for. ** **  
** **

When the newlywed's limo pulled away from the curb, the crowd began dispersing towards the parking lot. Some preparing to leave, others staying behind to help clean up the mess. ** **  
** **

Jongin had found his dress coat a while ago, draping it over his shoulder as Nayeon escorted his tipsy self towards her car. Kyungsoo caught up with them last minute after he finished helping clean up the venue, stacking chairs. ** **  
** **

"Jongin!" ** **  
** **

Jongin turned on wobbly knees, still starry eyed as he pinpointed Kyungsoo's in the darkness. "Oh Kyungsoo!" He greeted with a small, childish smile. Nayeon looked exasperated at the delay, huffing as Kyungsoo jogged over. ** **  
** **

"Hey," he greeted, slightly out of breath. "Um, can I talk to you for a minute?" He asked, glancing cautiously towards Nayeon. Her eyes were venomous. ** **  
** **

Jongin looked at Nayeon and chuckled softly, turning and mumbled something that Kyungsoo couldn't make out. She looked reluctant as she continued towards her car, making sure to send Kyungsoo a parting glare for good measure. ** **  
** **

Kyungsoo laughed under his breath once they were alone, wedging his hands in his pockets. "Guess I'm gonna have to work hard to win her over, huh?" ** **  
** **

"Oh yeah. You have no idea." Jongin confirmed with a raised, challenging brow. ** **  
** **

"I accept the challenge." Kyungsoo stated with confidence, and Jongin giggled softly. ** **  
** **

Kyungsoo wet his lips, gathering his words. "Uh, anyways, uh… I was wondering if you'd… be interested in having breakfast with me tomorrow?" ** **  
** **

Jongin paused, then pouted. " _ Breakfast _ ? Why not something later in the day?" ** **  
** **

Kyungsoo laughed quietly, recalling Jongin's contempt for rising early. He compromised easily. "Dinner, then?" ** **  
** **

Jongin's pout turned up into a grin. "Dinner I can work with." ** **  
** **

The older smiled victoriously. "Great. Dinner it is. I'll pick you at six?" He was bashful, blushing. It felt like middle school all over again. ** **  
** **

"Six is good." Jongin smiled. They dithered there for a few prolonged minutes, chatting about nothing, exchanging numbers, until Nayeon called for him. ** **  
** **

"Well… I'll be seeing you tomorrow, then." The younger promised as he walked backwards towards the parking lot. ** **  
** **

Kyungsoo grinned, nodded. "It's a date.” ** **  
** **

Jongin snorted, giving a playful tilt of his head as he coyly hummed. “Maybe.” **  
**

** _ Maybe  _ never sounded more promising.  
**

**Author's Note:**

> Song Inspiration:
> 
> \- 24/7 - EXO  
\- Tell Me What Is Love - D.O  
\- If I Could Change Your Mind - HAIM  
\- Sunflower - Post Malone  
\- When We Were Young - Adele  
-Beautiful Goodbye - G.Soul


End file.
